count to 10

I surprise myself sometimes, especially when I least expect it. I'll write a song in a weird key, or write riffs that are almost too hard for me to play, but I record them anyway because they sound rad and I know I can challenge myself to play better.

But then there are times when even I'm like "what the hell just happened?"

I've changed a whole hell of a lot in the last year, and I plan to continue changing for better; I definitely want to. I'm sure I'll keep surprising myself all along the way as well, in fact, I count on it.

One thing that has certainly surprised me is how much I care. About you, about them, about it, about when. Sounds vague I know. But honestly, in the past, especially in relationships, I think there were things (important things) that I didn't stress over or care about too much. Now sometimes it feels like I care too much. I've definitely always been the kind of person that when they are sure about something, they go for it all out and care about it almost too much, and it gets me in trouble sometimes, it seems.

Bottom line is, if it seems like I'm stressing over something, or that I am paying too much attention to something, or getting frustrated too easily over something, no matter how insignificant it may seem to anyone else; it's because I simply care more than is probably good for me emotionally. It's a weird part of who I am unfortunately.

So, next time you see me stressed out, or flipping out, or being snappy to someone, even you, say "shhh, just calm down, tell me what's really going on, I'm all ears." And maybe, just maybe, I'll feel like caring too much about something is ok.

reflect, renew

I never was much of a kid person, and I never realized the depths of what I'm capable of feeling till I pushed the envelope. Or rather, it pushed me. (In particular, especially when reading the passage in 'The Dirt' about Vince Neil's daughter passing away.) I owe those positive changes to one person, and her little sister.

I know many people say after a challenging year that they feel different, they feel like a "changed man" and all that but let's be honest, are they really? I mean, maybe temporarily, but not for good. The kind of change I've undergone is the latter. I'm still the same person for the most part, I suppose mainly personality wise, but other than that, I feel quite a bit different. I experienced things I didn't know were possible, things this time last year I probably would've made fun of someone else for going through. Yet here I am, biting my tongue in a way.

Yet through all of this personal (and physical to certain extent) growth, I have done something many times that tears me apart. I have questioned my faith, and I have questioned His plan for me, and those close to me. For those who haven't kept up with me, this may sound confusing, for I was never one of faith until within the last few years. But regardless, how long I've trusted in God is irrelevant, only that I believe His word and am thankful everyday for the sacrifice Jesus bestowed upon us. And through all that I've been through in the last year, I feel like somehow I'm not surprised I have questioned it. Not that it makes it right by any means, but after all, I'm only human.

So, I sit here trying with every fiber of my being to just go with it but the question remains the same- How can someone so perfect, so full of life, so loving and caring, so selfless, so steadfast, so brave, and so needed by all those that she meets, be subject to things that I'm sure for her not only make her question if God is even real, but things that test her physically and emotionally in ways you and I can't possibly fathom.

I've already known for some time now that it's not fair, and I've given up trying to find the answer as to why it happens. Now all I want to do is just be there to at least try and lessen the burden.

old...

Today, unfortunately, is my birthday.

I am getting older. There's no way around that, and on some level, I suppose I'm fine with that. But every now and then it hits me with hurricane strength, taking every bit of wind out of my sails.

I do believe that God has a plan for all of us, most of us just aren't really ever meant to know our plan until we wake up one day and walk into the life we've chosen and there it is- staring us in the face. I think it's pretty darn normal for people to cringe at the thought of getting older, right? Well, I'm just saying I've never met anyone that said, "Yes!! I'm 5 years away from 30! Sweet!" No.

To top it off, the one person that could make me feel better isn't here, and everything I do reminds me of that followed by some self induced faux-clarity. The reality is convoluted and not really worth typing out to be honest, not to mention a lonnnng ass story. The kind of story the write books and make movies about. Seriously.

"I just wish you were here," I find myself thinking, all the time.

It's been one of the roughest years I've had and I'm not gonna lie, the good times were awwwesome and the bad times we straight horrendous; in all aspects of my life, not just one. I felt and said things that I never have before, on both ends of the spectrum. So I'm just gonna keep trying to make music that affects people in a positive way, because that's the only thing I'm certain of that is always gonna be there for me at the end of the day, as much as I would honestly rather it just be just this one, single, beautiful person.

Time is of the essence.